


White Rose

by sapphicbenoist



Series: Pseudocide [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/F, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Might add characters, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-02 03:03:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14535264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicbenoist/pseuds/sapphicbenoist
Summary: "There will be a white rose. Someone would put it on my casket, you won't notice it at first but when you do; that's how you'll know. I'm not actually dead, I'm somewhere safe."She didn't think it would actually happen. When Natasha brought up the subject they laughed about it like it was some sort of joke. But it wasn't, not anymore at least.





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this book could actually honestly probably be all over the place but my girlfriend and I thought of this at three in the morning while we were about to fall asleep so, I'm going through with it? I have it all planned out for the most part but it still might be hectic. Bare with me.
> 
> Also,technically my first language isn't english. I speak it daily but sometimes my words get mixed up so bare with me there, too.
> 
>  
> 
> italics - flashbacks

It was a Tuesday when Steve walked into Maria's office. He asked how she was doing, how her day was. That's when she knew something was wrong. Not because Steve never asked those questions, but because of the way he asked them. Like he was making sure he wasn't piling bad news on an already unbearable day. Part of Maria's job was being able to read people. Their body language, the tone of their voice, every uncomfortable movement.

 

"Spit it out, Cap." Were the words she probably would've said any other given day.

 

But today wasn't any other day. Today was the day Steve Rogers walked into her office with an apologetic smile and sad eyes. The look on his face was easily recognizable.

 

"No." Was the only thing that left her lips.

 

"Maria-"

 

"Don't, Steve. Don't say what I know you're going to say."

 

"I'm sorry, Maria."

 

That's when today turned into the day she'd remember for as long as she lived. A day that wasn't just filled with stress and work anymore.

 

Shock. She didn't cry, not at first. She sat there, staring straight ahead. She tried to make sense of it all. She breathed deep breathes and nodded. She listened when Steve explained what happened. An op gone wrong. She thanked him when he apologized, telling her he was there for her whenever. She said she was okay when he asked how she was feeling.

 

Because she  _was_ okay. Her best friend, her girlfriend, the one woman she thought she actually loved was dead and she was... calm? There was no screaming, there were no tears. She knew it be all right if she did scream and cry. That's normal, that's expected. But she didn.t' She didn't even ask questions. She was all right. She was okay when the funeral came and she was giving a eulogy, she was okay talking about all the things people loved about Natasha, she was okay telling everyone all the things she'd miss, she was okay when everyone was placing roses on the casket. She was okay when she spotted the one white rose lying under a dozen other red ones.

 

She didn't think it would actually happen. When Natasha brought up the subject they laughed about it like it was some sort of joke. But it wasn't, not anymore at least.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

 

_It was early morning, the sun was barely visible over the horizon. The faint light seeping through the window, not quite lighting up the room but enough that Maria could see everything in her vicinity clearly. The books stacked on the desk by the window, the variety of perfumes on top of the dresser, the discarded clothes thrown on the floor from the night before, Natasha curled up next to her. They were both quiet, not wanting to move from where they were._

 

_"There'd be a white rose at my funeral."_

 

_"What?" Maria laughed._

 

_"If I faked my death. I know we joked about it earlier, but we didn't really talk about it." Natasha explained._

 

_"You're serious?"_

 

_"Yeah." She tightened her grip around Maria's waist. "So, you know, if it actually did happen you'd know about it."_

 

_"Okay." It was soft, barely above a whisper. But it was enough for Natasha to continue._

 

_"It won't be a big funeral. Something small, all of the people I can tolerate at least. Including Tony. There will be a white rose. Someone would put it on my casket, you won't notice it at first but when you do; that's how you'll know. I'm not actually dead, I'm somewhere safe."_

 

_"And you'd be where, exactly?"_

 

_"Probably someplace warm. A small town not many people know about. I'd be safe, there'd be a very small chance I'd be in danger there."_

 

* * *

 

Maria questioned it at first. 

 

"Do you see that?" She asked Steve quietly.

 

"What?"

 

"The rose, it's white."  
  


"Yeah, what about it?"

 

She shook her head. "Nothing."

 

She knew how she'd sound. If she started spitting out things about Natasha being alive. How this is all a part of a plan that started out as something they joked about one night in Natasha's living room over takeout and old action movies. She knew what Steve would say.

 

"You're in denial, Maria."

 

But this wasn't that. It wasn't the seven stages of grief setting in. She knew Natasha, she knew the story by heart. She knew what that rose meant and she knew it wasn't some sort of coincidence.

 

She also knew she had to at least know that Natasha's safe.

 


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so it's been a while. I left immediately after I posted this and couldn't post so I'm posting now. It's also four in the morning and I haven't slept so if this sucks, that's why.

It had been a week since the funeral. Seven days Maria spent searching for anything. A reason why, a location, a way to contact Natasha. She couldn't find anything and she was starting to lose hope. She even got to the point where she questioned her sanity and whether or not the white rose was a figment of her imagination or something she actually saw. The only way she knew she wasn't actually crazy was the fact that Steve had saw it too.

 

Then, she got sidetracked with work. The thought of finding Natasha was still there, but Maria had no doubt that she was at least somewhere safe and if she started acting weird at work, everyone would definitely question it. So, for all of three days she pushed the whole thing to the back of her mind and acted like everything was fine. Like the woman she planned on marrying, one day, didn't just disappear off the face of the earth after faking her death. For the most part, her life was back to normal.

 

That was until she overheard Clint and Phil talking about The Red Room popping up again. So the searching started again. This time, she actually found something. This time, she needed to tell someone. Because if she actually wanted to find Natasha, she'd need help. So she went to Clint. Because Clint was Natasha's family, her best friend; the person she's closest too, other than Maria, in SHIELD.

 

She sat down at the table Clint was sitting at. He glanced up from her food, still in the process of eating his sandwich. "We should probably talk." She suggested quietly.

 

"About?"  


"The Red Room."

 

* * *

 

 

_Maria was in the middle of reading debriefing files when Natasha walked into her office, not even saying hello before she started talking._

 

_"I hate this place."_

 

_"You've been here three months, Romanoff. You barely know this place."_

 

_"That doesn't mean I can't hate it." She objected._

 

_Maria wouldn't call whatever relationship they had a friendship. She wouldn't even call it anything. She didn't know what it was, honestly. They only talked every now and then and when they did they were either arguing, complaining about their jobs, or one of them needed someone to train with. They didn't hang out like regular friends did. No movie nights or coffee dates. It was just Maria's office or the gym._

 

_She leaned back in her chair and stretched her legs out in front of her. "Okay, tell me why you hate this place so much."_

 

_Natasha sighed, falling down into one of the chairs in front of Maria's desk. And so she told Maria all of her problems, even though they weren't really problems. She just wanted an excuse to be in her presence because even though she had both Clint and Phil as friends, no one understood her how Maria did. And even though she hated her at first, she wasn't the worst person to be around when she had nothing else to do. So she talked. She talked about her training, which wasn't really all that good considering Natasha is a trained assassin and already knows everything she really needed to know. She talked about The Red Room, too. Not a lot, not enough information to be considered "opening up", but enough that Maria knew where she came from and how she felt about it. Enough that she understood and it wasn't weird to bring it up every once in a while. Maria always knew what to say to calm her down or reassure her that everything was fine. She always wondered why they weren't formal friends. Why they never left Maria's office. Sure, they talked in passing. But a joke here and there wasn't considered "doing something"._

 

_"So, basically, you're mad because Fury wouldn't send you on an Op with Steve."_

 

_"No. I'm mad because Fury won't send me on an Op with anyone."  
_

 

_Maria chuckled. "You do know I'm his second. I could easily get him to put you to work."_

 

_Natasha rolled her eyes playfully. "Yes, Maria. I'm fully aware that you have rank." She joked. "But I wouldn't ask you to use it just because I'm walking around bored everyday."_

 

_"Well, if you ever want to take me up on my offer; you know where I'm at."_

 

_"It's different than the Red Room. I just have to get used to it."_

 

_"Just remember that we're only trying to help you." She smiled.  
_

 

* * *

 

 

Clint practically choked on the bite of food he was swallowing. "What?"

 

"You know what I'm talking about." She raised her voice a tad bit. "Why wasn't I informed that they're back? Why didn't you or Coulson come to me?"

 

Clint put down his sandwich, sighing and looking around; making sure people weren't in earshot. "Because Coulson knew that this is how you'd react." He explained. "When it comes to anything regarding Nat, here or not, you don't think first. You jump in head first without thinking of the repercussions. We were just trying to protect you."

 

"Protect me from what, Barton? The Red Room is back! That's something I should be aware of." She hissed.

 

"Maybe you should talk to Phil about this." He mumbled. "You're too close and too involved to think clearly."

 

"What are you guys planning?" She asked, calming down a bit and ignoring his last comment.

 

"Who says we're planning anything?"

 

"Clint. I may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night. I know you guys, you wouldn't let this go."

 

"Like I said, you should talk to Coulson."

 

So she did. Well, she tried. Because Coulson wouldn't give her any more than Clint would and at this point she was starting to believe no one was on her side. He gave her some bullshit lie saying he only found out this morning but Maria knew him too well, she knew when he was lying.

 

"What if I tell you something that only I know that you might want to know about?" She asked. She was willing to give up this tiny piece of information if it meant possibly being able to help.

 

"Like what?" He asked, intrigued.

 

She took a deep breath, mentally preparing herself for what she was about to say. "Natasha's death was faked." She breathed out. "She's alive."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that I'm looking at it, this is kind of short too but it's an update and I loveeeee a good cliffhanger. Thank you guys for all the comments, a lot of them made me smile and laugh lol. Let me know what you think about this chapter and if you have any suggestions I'm always open. Also, as always, constructive criticism is welcome. (:


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't gonna update today but it's pride month and I feel like blessing you guys.

Maria watched as Coulsons face morphed into what she could only describe as a thousand different emotions. She knew there was a one out of ten chance that he'd actually believe her, so when he looked at her like she was crazy she wasn't surprised. She knew how she sounded. If Phil told her Clint faked his death so soon after a funeral she'd have the same reaction. She didn't blame him. 

 

"Maria-"

 

"I know how it sounds." She cut him off. "But I'm not just saying this because I want her back or I want a tiny glimpse of hope that her death didn't happen."

 

"Then what's your proof? Where is she?" He asked, still in disbelief.

 

"I-I don't know. Not yet." She added upon hearing him sigh.

 

A look of sympathy flashed across his face. "Maria, you can't actually believe this."

 

"Think about it," She started. "Natasha 'dies' right when the Red Room shows up? That's not a coincidence, Phil."

 

"Or it is." He reasoned. "You can't go around saying things like this, Maria. People are going to talk. You know what happens to people when they act like this."

 

"You know, out of everyone in this whole organization I didn't think you'd be the one to call me crazy."

 

She left his office with all hope drained out of her. She was on her own. If she wanted to get Natasha to come back she'd have to find her herself. 

 

* * *

 

 

_Maria doesn't know how they got here. One moment they were drinking wine in Maria's office talking about what probationary agents they think are going to fail their final assessment and the next they're talking about Maria's childhood._

 

_"So, when did you realize?" Natasha asked._

 

_"That I'm gay? I don't know. Sometime in middle school. I was young, I know that." Maria laughed at her slurred words. "What about you?"_

 

_Natasha laughed. "Me? I don't actually remember. I guess I never thought about it. I didn't have to. Sex wasn't something romantic or passionate for me, it was part of the work I did. I never had time to actually have a preference."_

 

_Maria's face softened as she listened. "I'm sorry. I forgot."_

 

_"It's okay. It actually feels better to talk about my past with someone other than Barton."_

 

_"Well, if you want to talk about more, I'm here."_

 

_When Maria made the offer she didn't actually think Natasha would remember it, let alone take her up on it. After all, they were both drunk. But Natasha did. She came to Maria like she always did. Walking in her office and immediately making herself at home. She didn't talk at first though. She waited for Maria to look up at her and ask her what was wrong._

 

_"I figured I'd take you up on that offer about talking. You know, about the Red Room and my past and all that."_

 

_"Oh." Maria perked up. Immediately directing her attention towards Natasha. "Okay. Is here fine or do you want to go somewhere else? We can go on a walk or something. I mean there's not many places to go since we're literally in the sky, but I'm sure we can find something to do."_

 

_Natasha smiled at the way Maria was acting. Like she wanted Natasha to be comfortable and feel safe. If she thought it was cute, no one would know about it. "Here is fine."_

 

_Maria got up from her desk and settled in one of the chairs next to Natasha, giving her her full attention. "Listen," She smiled. "I'm no therapist but I've been told I'm a really easy person to talk to. Even better than Barton." She joked, referencing back to the night before._

 

_Natasha laughed before starting. She talked about how the Red Room got her, how they trained her, everything she went through. She showed Maria the scars on her wrists from being handcuffed to the bedpost every night. She talked about how she felt when Clint brought her back to SHIELD. How alone she felt throughout every test they ran on her, every set of questions they asked, every painful night she spent alone in her 'cell'. Maria sympathized with her. She wanted to give Natasha a hug and tell her she wasn't alone anymore, tell her how many people she had at SHIELD and how far she's come. But she withheld, instead continuing to listen to Natasha talk._

 

_"It was hard. Trying to remember who I was before i became a killing machine." She laughed. "But eventually I was able to realize that who I am isn't what the Red Room made me to be. I'm my own person and I get to make my own choices now. I feel like that was the hardest part. Realizing that I can do whatever I want now without having to worry about being punished for it. I don't have to be in control anymore."_

 

_"And now?" Maria asked. "How are you handling things now that you're actually free."_

 

_"As well as can be expected. I still have nightmares but they're subsiding for the most part." She explained. Maria noticed that she never went into detail about anything. She told Maria all these stories but never anything too close to her. She never really went in depth with her feelings._

 

_"Well, if you're ever up in the middle of the night and need a distraction I'll be here." She didn't hesitate to let Natasha know she was there for her. If anyone woke her up in the middle of the night asking her if they could talk, Maria would probably be cranky and a little mad that they woke her up from her precious sleep. But with Natasha, it didn't seem all that bad. She welcomed the idea rather that pushing it away._

 

_"I might actually take you up on that, you know."_

 

_"I know." Maria said softly. "That's why I offered."_

 

_Natasha smiled in response._

 

* * *

 

 

Maria's eyes watered slightly at the memory of Natasha opening up to her. That day seemed so far away. After everything they've been through, it felt like forever ago. Like a dream.

 

Maria wiped her eyes when Steve walked into the room. "Hey, Fury has these files he needs you to look over. Are you okay?" He asked.

 

"I'm fine." She said, holding out her hand for the files. When Steve pulled them back she glared at him. If looks could kill she'd be attending another funeral.

 

"What's wrong, Maria? And don't give me that 'I'm fine' excuse." He warned.

 

She sighed. "I was thinking about Natasha." She admitted. "I never actually thought I'd get this attached to someone. It's... different."

 

"It's love." He explained.

 

Maria scoffed. Out of all the things Maria and Natasha said to each other, those three words never came out of their mouths. They both felt it, but they never said it. They just knew, that's all they needed.

 

"Do you want to talk about it? I know losing someone you're that close to can hurt and how bad it does."

 

Maria sighed. She knew she should probably talk about it, but she tried with Coulson and if another person called her crazy; she might start believing it herself.

 

"I'm okay, Steve, really. Thank you." She desperately tried to look like she meant what she was saying, but she didn't even believe the words that left her mouth.

 

"Maria, what's up?" He asked. "You know you can talk to me."

 

She took a deep breath and exhaled. Coulson already thought she needed to be in a psych ward, why not add another person to that list. "I know how this is going to sound." She started, abandoning her idea of not telling anyone else. "But Natasha faked her death and the white rose that I pointed out at the funeral was a sign from her letting me know she's still alive."

 

She waited for the same look to appear on his face that was on Phil's. When it didn't happen she was shocked. Her jaw  _almost_ dropped. If it wasn't for the years worth of training she had, being taught to keep her composure in any situation, it would've.

 

Steve sat there quietly for a few minutes, contemplating what he just heard. "And that makes you sad?" He asked.

 

"What?"

 

"When I walked in here you were crying, or just getting done crying, I'm not sure which but I do know that there were tears and in most situations; tears mean sadness." He elaborated.

 

Maria smiled at how clueless he was at the moment. "No, I actually was thinking of Natasha. I wasn't lying."

 

He let out a quiet "oh", showing he sort of understood what was happening. "So, this rose. How is it a sign? I mean, how do you even know it was Natasha who put it there and not just someone trying to stand out."

 

"Well, technically I don't. But when we talked about what would happen if we ever, for some reason, faked our deaths, she mentioned a white rose being at her funeral."

 

"Okay." He breathed. "So, do you know where she is?"

 

She exhaled and looked up at the ceiling, wiping her face with her hands in attempt to ease her stress. "No, not yet. I've been looking but she literally left me with nothing."

 

He nodded. Maria watched as an expression flashed across his face. It was on there for a second but she caught it.

 

"What?" She asked.

 

"What, what?" He tried acting like he didn't know what she was asking him.

 

"Why do I feel like you don't believe me?"

 

He started pacing the room, suddenly anxious. "It's not that I don't believe you. This isn't the craziest thing I've heard, honestly. I mean, I was frozen in ice for God's sake." He laughed. "It's just... the only proof you have is a flower that you saw at her funeral. You don't know where she's at or where she could be. You literally have nothing, it's hard to believe something without evidence backing it up."

 

"All I know is that it's not a coincidence that rose ended up at her funeral. The Red Room comes back and Natasha leaves, it makes sense. She wouldn't stay here if she knew they might know where she is." She tried to reason with him.

 

"Who else knows?" He asked.

 

"I tried telling Coulson but that didn't work out too well. He thinks I'm grasping at straws."

 

"So, basically what you're telling me is you need help." He offered, smirking slightly.

 

Maria could only smile in return, overwhelmed with emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, I didn't go back and reread any of this and I wrote this while being hungover so if none of it makes sense that's why.
> 
> all mistakes and grammatical errors are all mine.
> 
> HAPPY PRIDE MONTH

**Author's Note:**

> This is a suuuuper short chapter because I had to kinda just introduce it at least?? The next chapter will literally be out tonight, even if my life depends on it.
> 
> Comments are welcome. I love criticism as long as you're not an ass about it. Also, if you have suggestions or ideas that's welcome too. The next chapters will be longer so don't get used to this five minute chapter.
> 
> Also, this is beta'd by me so all mistakes, typos, incorrect grammar, that's all me.


End file.
